Personal Responsibility or Forced Paternity?

This isn’t about rape. This is about consensual sex.

I’m all about consistency. I’m all about equality — I’m all about making your own choices, so long as they do not impact others. From a legal standpoint, that is the purpose of our laws: to make sure every person is free to make their own choices. This is not a post about morals. It is a post about free choice under the law.

I am pro-choice (with limits). But not because I don’t think abortion is wrong — I do, in most cases. The most contentious part about the abortion debate is determining where life begins. My personal beliefs aside, I think the legal standard should be that the fetus/child/cell clump has to be viable outside the womb to have the protection under the law. Any time before that, it is the woman’s choice. Legally.

Here is where I’ll get crucified.

A man and a woman have consensual sex, and a pregnancy results. If we are going to legally allow the woman to have the absolute choice on whether or not to terminate a pregnancy free of influence from the father, which we should, then why should the father be forced to live with her decision, when both parties consented to sex knowing that pregnancy could arise?

We shouldn’t.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2010, 85% of all child support payments were made by men. The average annual payment for men was almost $2,000 higher than those from women ($5,450 and $3,500 respectively).

These numbers are also a testament to the discriminatory nature of custody issues — where in most divorces children are given to the mother. In an age of gender equality, why is the mother a more fitting parent? Especially when studies, like this one from the Department of Health and Human Services, have found that a child is more likely to be abused by his/her mother. But that’s another post for another day.

So, I’ll ask again. If in the age of sexual liberation, where the act of consenting to have sex presumably neutralizes the blame of pregnancy to any one person (wrap it up or both of yall are to blame), and women are empowered to solely chose whether or not to have an abortion – why is the man, who is not any more or less to blame for the pregnancy but does not have a say in that pregnancy, forced to be financially liable for the child when the mother chose to keep him/her. 

Be consistent. Either allow men to have equal say about a pregnancy, or don’t hold them liable for choices they don’t get to be a part of.

Yes, I understand that not all sex is consensual. Yes, I understand that women are the ones who have to carry a pregnancy and poop it out (that’s where they come from…right?). That is why I think women should have the right to chose — our legal system is no longer in an era where Dick can go home and tell Jane to take off her muumuu and perform her spousal duty. Jane decides whether she wants Dick’s dick or not, and Jane decides if the resulting pregnancy is carried to term or not. Jane’s absolute choice in that matter is where Dick gets to make his own absolute choice on whether or not, or how, to be there after.

Today, Dicks all over are 50% of the sex, 0% of the decision making, and 100% liable for the Janes’ decisions. That’s not right.

Obviously this ideal legal setup would allow for flexibility. Pro-choice laws do not make women get abortions. The woman could decide how much influence the father, her family, her community, would have in making her decision. Every couple is different, and deserve the full spectrum of options. Yes, there are problems that arise there as far as pressure and coercion, but the law protects her choice. Any other problems are societal, and you can’t change conscience with the law. It never works.

But, you’re right, I’m a man. I get no say. I’ve been told that before. My first serious girlfriend got pregnant after we had dated for three months. She told me the baby was mine, and being the naive 17-year-old I was, I didn’t question it. The 1% where she gets pregnant must have happened to me, right? I was always the kid who got caught fooling around in class after all my friends got away with the same, after all.

I allowed her to make her choice, and legally gave up my paternity rights so the little sucker could be adopted by able parents. I went through the hard part (on my side, I know hers was worse) — the shame from my family, the mental stress, bringing the boy into the world only to have him taken away minutes later. I did it all.

(I did it because I felt it was my moral duty to do so — but I would never tell anyone else to make those same choices. The law cannot enforce morals. This post isn’t about whether or not men should be financially liable, but whether or not the law can force them to be.)

But then he wasn’t mine, and I was only told once I had dotted all my I’s and crossed all my T’s. Obviously I was stupid to not have requested a paternity test (when I mentioned it, the idea was met with such hostility from the mother and her family that, in retrospect, I should have suspected something), but in another situation I’d be on the hook for an irresponsible choice I never made.

Where’s the law to protect that injustice? Yeah, it never happened — to me.

Toronto Sun: Dad must pay child support for 3 kids that aren’t his: Court rules

KHOU: Houston man forced to pay child support for child that DNA proves isn’t his